Squirrels, Scandal and Social Distancing
The Lorax
August 23, 2020
August 23, 2020

According to an email sent to students on Friday, August 21 Furman University has “had one student test positive for COVID-19 and currently (has) no students in quarantine.”

However, according to perennial whistle-blower and Furman insider, Snowden the Squirrel (pictured above), the administration is not being completely transparent about their COVID-19 numbers.  

Apparently, Furman has failed to report a major cluster of cases in its tree population. Snowden reports that the trees on the southern half of the Furman mall were nearly all infected with serious cases of COVID-19.  

This explains why the administration rushed to cut them all down so quickly last spring. They were attempting to prevent transmission to other trees or worse, the campus squirrels.  

Now, to cover their tracks and deceive the public, the administration has planted new trees, socially distanced from one another by well over six feet of course.  

Snowden said he believes that Furman owes its students real transparency and should now correct its numbers.

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