Record Number of Students Sleep Through Class After Cramming for COVID Test the Night Before
The Paladin SatireTeam
September 4, 2020
September 4, 2020

Campus erupted Thursday afternoon when students received a campus-wide email saying they must take a COVID-19 test the next day. Mass panic ensued as this test could not be found on any syllabus students received the first week of class.  

When asked if there would be a study guide due to the late notice for the COVID test, an administrator responded, “this is not high school, there are no study guides.” Administrators did comment on the format of the test, a “saliva-based test,” which thoroughly confused students. Students were not exactly comforted by the Medical Director of the Earle Student Health Center saying it would be “quick and painless.” One student said, “well it’s easy for her to say, she has the test!”  

Friday morning, classrooms were noticeably less full than usual, with some classes reporting attendance rates as low at 50%. Early estimates indicate that Friday, September 6th will mark the lowest class attendance rate in Furman’s history. This history, as we all know, goes as far back at 1826.  

As of Friday at noon, no students were available for comment as they were still asleep.  

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